Colorado

              It was a hard decision to stay in one place and I was still willing to jump ship. I had gotten back from South America and I applied to 25 jobs or so. They were to several hospitals but no one would call me back. One by one, the jobs were filled. I even went to applying to bar tending jobs. The pay and hard work of bartending wouldn't give me satisfaction as a career and I knew I had to find a nursing job.  I had almost given up and taken a crappy job in Denver when my friend, Alida invited me out to a speed dating event where I met a guy who introduced me to Ricky, my recruiter in a pediatric homecare job. I have never done pediatrics or homecare but I was hired. I started working with a girl with disabilites and I knew this wouldn't be hard. I worked with people with disabilities for years and I missed it. I did look for a job working with disabled kids or adults as well but nothing panned out. It was very frustrating taking this job due to the huge paycut and knowing I wouldn't be working in the hospital. It was also frustrating not being able to get a job in the hospital when I am so qualified. I sat for months without a job. I thought I could get a job easily and couldn't find one at all. When life hands you oranges, make orange juice?! I tried. It was devastating at points. JP visiting really helped lift me up and getting out of the house was therapeutic. The places we went to and adventures we had were amazing and lifted me up. I also got the job just before I went on the trip so I felt better mentally about going on it.
           I applied for several apartments and still haven't found one. This is also very frustrating. The studios and apartments are so expensive. Its challenging to find one that I like. Time will tell. I finally found a furnished one that I really liked. I told the landowner I wanted it and she turned around and said she wanted to do air bnb. Interesting. I was looking for the easy way out. I really should get my own place, my own bed, couch and utencils. It was so homy. She said she might call me next week. Im not holding my breath. I would say this year is rough but it doesn't compare to the crappy year I had last year. I never believed in Chinese astrology but when you are born in a year, you are that animal with certain characteristics. Every 12 years, your year comes and it is supposed to be a hard year. Last year, it was the year of the rooster and I am a rooster. My boyfriend and I broke up, he manipulated me and the loss itself caused us to get back together. I left the state of Arizona to get away from him. I knew the relationship was toxic. He still found a way to hurt me. I cut contact from him completely so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I couldn't find a job after September. My trip to South America was the most challenging trip I took by myself. I got really sick for a month down there when I was alone. I felt like I had dug a ditch and kept digging. I tried to get out of it but couldn't. I did have good times and I did learn alot about myself. The lessons you learn when things go wrong make you realize who you truely are. Most of my friends who were roosters were also having bad years and the agony they went through was alot worse than what I had gone through.
               If life isn't what you want, you have the ability to change it. If you want something else than what you have....relationship, job, friends...you can change it. You have the ability to change things. People don't often change it because they get comfortable or because of fear itself. People fear they can't find another guy...they should just put up with the little crap because they feel they don't deserve better or can't find better. It gets lonely or maybe they don't want to give up the sex. It all plays a part in decision making. I did deserve better and I didn't want to  become that girl who went back to agony. I had to leave the state. It was sudden and I miss Arizona like crazy but it had to be done. The year of the horse is upon us and I know its going to be a better year.  I will find my husband this year. I will move out and live alone and on my own for the first time in my life. I will find the job of my dreams with good pay. I will find friends and go on adventures here in Colorado. There are alot of them and plenty of hikes I can do myself. My fear of going out hiking alone has finally left me. Hiking makes me so happy and there is so much I can do here in Colorado Springs and near Denver. I love it here and I am ok making it my home. I just have to get moving.
             My homecare job doesn't pay near enough what I used to make so I am doing overtime. It takes up most of my time. I think it will be worth it in the end and I am willing to make it work here. Keep your head up...I tell myself everyday. Things will get better. Be happy where you are at. Things are about to change quickly for you and you better hold on tight, or your head will spin. Here we go.

Letting my guard down

         I went on vacation with my mom to Kona, Hawaii. It was such a great time. I had planned to go to Hawaii with a friend and it didn't work out or did it? The second island I went to was Maui and I was alone. I rented a car and drove to all the places I wanted to go to and explore. It was fun but a little lonely. Towards the end of the week, I met someone named Janika from Germany in my hostal that also wanted to go to the road to Hana. She had a french friend named Jean-Phillipe, JP we called him that also wanted to go. We barely knew each other but the road to Hana bonded us. Since I had a car, I invited them to come along. We hung out for a three to four days straight after the road to Hana which consisted of 4-5 hours of traveling down to Hana and stopping at every waterfall or place that you can because there could be a potential adventure. We hiked almost 2 hours to get to the bamboo forest which was my favorite. It was amazing and well worth it.
         Janika was a tough girl, who isn't from Germany? JP was funny and always broke the silence with a joke. I met some spanish girls that wanted to go out dancing and I didn't want to go alone. I convinced the two to come with me but Janika bailed at the last minute. JP and I went out and enjoyed a night of dancing and drinking and towards the end, kissing. He had the cutest french accent. I couldn't help myself.

    The next night we all were together and I didn't want Janika to feel like the odd one so we didn't mention it. While Janika went off to the bathroom, JP would pull me in and kiss me. I was like you are going to get us caught but it also excited me. It was hidden and secretive which made it fun and exotic. The next couple of days we all hung out and decided to hang out on New Years Eve. It was fun because we celebrated France, Germany and Spain's New year followed by Ohio's, Colorado's and finally Hawaii's. We were the last to celebrate. Somehow we got on the subject of self defense and since they both had experience with this, they taught me pressure points and different defense moves in case I ever needed them. This later influenced me to join a self defense, Krav Maga class in Colorado Springs.
    The last day in Maui we all spent it on the beach. It  happened to be a naked beach and this guy kept running up and down the beach doing crazy exercises to try to catch our attention. It made our day and we ended up spending the day laughing. Janika kept leaving to go get beer or go to the bathroom. I knew she knew that JP and I had kissed. It gave us a few moments here and there to kiss. I had even felt myself get tipsy enough to be vulnerable and tell him how much I would miss him. We knew he was in the USA in New Mexico for training with the airforce for a few more months before he would go home to France. I had asked him if we could meet up half way but it would be 4-5 hours drive for the both of us. I knew it wouldn't turn into anything and told myself, just enjoy it now because it will be over soon.
    When I walked away from Janika and JP at the airport, I knew it would be the last time I saw them. How wrong I was. It was strange to think how much they had influenced me when I only knew them a few days. I called JP a week later to see how he was doing and day by day we ended up talking to each other more and more. I knew I might get a job soon and if there was any chance of seeing each other, I knew it had to happen before I got hired. We made plans to meet in the middle in Santa Fe, New Mexico for the weekend and he took charge of the plans. I spoke to him on the phone about the plans of where we would stay and what we would do but he told me, I got it. It made me so nervous of not being in charge. He knew. He even said something...it must have been my nervous voice or maybe he knew I liked being in control all the time. It was challenging to let go.
     He arrived just a few minutes before me which also made me nervous. I don't know why I have to be in control of the situations all the time but as a nurse, I feel like its just taught to us. Always be ready for anything and always be in control of the situation. Maybe it was just me. We spent the weekend getting to know each other more. He had been in Santa Fe before and knew where natural hot springs were about two hours away. It was a drive and then a hike but the hot springs were amazing. I had never been to natural hot springs. The land was covered in snow and ice but I wrapped a towel around me and changed into my swim suit and got in. It wasn't as hot as I would like to have had it but it was pretty nice. We stayed submerged for a little over an hour and as the sunset, we got out, changed and headed back.
     On the way back I got weary. I had to stop a few times and stretch my back due to pain. He wrapped his arms around me and held me for a few minutes. I felt rejuvenated after being held. He was playing on my heart strings and as much as I told myself you aren't going to fall for this guy...my heart had another idea. There was a fight that I was having inside of myself. My heart would tell myself, this guy is leaving back to France in a few months...just enjoy the moment. Don't get your feelings tied up in it. Then my brain would tell myself, easy, let yourself go, he's really nice and you deserve this, just be careful. My heart was broken almost a year ago and it has taken me almost a year to get over it. My heart was almost healed and in walks a great, amazing, generous guy that captures my heart. He treats me so good. He paid for everything including the hotel and he was an amazing kisser...

       When we left each other, I knew this time I would see him again. He wanted to come up to Colorado and see me and another part of the country before going back home. Distance does something to me and I felt it as soon as he drove away. It was a heavy feeling on my chest and anything I told myself, it wouldn't go away. I kept thinking about what it would be like when he would arrive in two months to my home in Colorado Springs. I realized I had found a good one. He was truthful and sincere. He told me the truth instead of what I wanted to hear...and I could tell. He was guarded as much as I was and sensitive. He makes me laugh, all the time. He once told me, "If you want to see my book, ask me. I will open the pages and let you read them. If you don't ask me, I won't show you my pages. Its easy to let other people talk sometime." I told him, "I need to be more like you because I show my book to everyone regardless if they want to read my pages. I read them aloud so they can hear what adventures I have been on if they want to or not." It was a cute analogy since his first language wasn't English. I would not have thought of it.
        I have been away from him for two days and my chest still feels heavy. I haven't felt anything for anyone in almost a year. Now I sit and wonder about him everyday. The heaviness leaves only when we get to talk to each for the day. I hate myself for letting someone in again. It has awoken my heart and feelings which is a good thing but being away from him hurts. I can't imagine what it will feel like when he leaves the country. I keep telling myself to stop feeling but the heart wants what the heart wants. I know there will be a lesson in all of this. Maybe, he was sent to me to show me how I am really supposed to be treated. Because when I am with him, I feel like a princess.