Letting my guard down

         I went on vacation with my mom to Kona, Hawaii. It was such a great time. I had planned to go to Hawaii with a friend and it didn't work out or did it? The second island I went to was Maui and I was alone. I rented a car and drove to all the places I wanted to go to and explore. It was fun but a little lonely. Towards the end of the week, I met someone named Janika from Germany in my hostal that also wanted to go to the road to Hana. She had a french friend named Jean-Phillipe, JP we called him that also wanted to go. We barely knew each other but the road to Hana bonded us. Since I had a car, I invited them to come along. We hung out for a three to four days straight after the road to Hana which consisted of 4-5 hours of traveling down to Hana and stopping at every waterfall or place that you can because there could be a potential adventure. We hiked almost 2 hours to get to the bamboo forest which was my favorite. It was amazing and well worth it.
         Janika was a tough girl, who isn't from Germany? JP was funny and always broke the silence with a joke. I met some spanish girls that wanted to go out dancing and I didn't want to go alone. I convinced the two to come with me but Janika bailed at the last minute. JP and I went out and enjoyed a night of dancing and drinking and towards the end, kissing. He had the cutest french accent. I couldn't help myself.

    The next night we all were together and I didn't want Janika to feel like the odd one so we didn't mention it. While Janika went off to the bathroom, JP would pull me in and kiss me. I was like you are going to get us caught but it also excited me. It was hidden and secretive which made it fun and exotic. The next couple of days we all hung out and decided to hang out on New Years Eve. It was fun because we celebrated France, Germany and Spain's New year followed by Ohio's, Colorado's and finally Hawaii's. We were the last to celebrate. Somehow we got on the subject of self defense and since they both had experience with this, they taught me pressure points and different defense moves in case I ever needed them. This later influenced me to join a self defense, Krav Maga class in Colorado Springs.
    The last day in Maui we all spent it on the beach. It  happened to be a naked beach and this guy kept running up and down the beach doing crazy exercises to try to catch our attention. It made our day and we ended up spending the day laughing. Janika kept leaving to go get beer or go to the bathroom. I knew she knew that JP and I had kissed. It gave us a few moments here and there to kiss. I had even felt myself get tipsy enough to be vulnerable and tell him how much I would miss him. We knew he was in the USA in New Mexico for training with the airforce for a few more months before he would go home to France. I had asked him if we could meet up half way but it would be 4-5 hours drive for the both of us. I knew it wouldn't turn into anything and told myself, just enjoy it now because it will be over soon.
    When I walked away from Janika and JP at the airport, I knew it would be the last time I saw them. How wrong I was. It was strange to think how much they had influenced me when I only knew them a few days. I called JP a week later to see how he was doing and day by day we ended up talking to each other more and more. I knew I might get a job soon and if there was any chance of seeing each other, I knew it had to happen before I got hired. We made plans to meet in the middle in Santa Fe, New Mexico for the weekend and he took charge of the plans. I spoke to him on the phone about the plans of where we would stay and what we would do but he told me, I got it. It made me so nervous of not being in charge. He knew. He even said something...it must have been my nervous voice or maybe he knew I liked being in control all the time. It was challenging to let go.
     He arrived just a few minutes before me which also made me nervous. I don't know why I have to be in control of the situations all the time but as a nurse, I feel like its just taught to us. Always be ready for anything and always be in control of the situation. Maybe it was just me. We spent the weekend getting to know each other more. He had been in Santa Fe before and knew where natural hot springs were about two hours away. It was a drive and then a hike but the hot springs were amazing. I had never been to natural hot springs. The land was covered in snow and ice but I wrapped a towel around me and changed into my swim suit and got in. It wasn't as hot as I would like to have had it but it was pretty nice. We stayed submerged for a little over an hour and as the sunset, we got out, changed and headed back.
     On the way back I got weary. I had to stop a few times and stretch my back due to pain. He wrapped his arms around me and held me for a few minutes. I felt rejuvenated after being held. He was playing on my heart strings and as much as I told myself you aren't going to fall for this guy...my heart had another idea. There was a fight that I was having inside of myself. My heart would tell myself, this guy is leaving back to France in a few months...just enjoy the moment. Don't get your feelings tied up in it. Then my brain would tell myself, easy, let yourself go, he's really nice and you deserve this, just be careful. My heart was broken almost a year ago and it has taken me almost a year to get over it. My heart was almost healed and in walks a great, amazing, generous guy that captures my heart. He treats me so good. He paid for everything including the hotel and he was an amazing kisser...

       When we left each other, I knew this time I would see him again. He wanted to come up to Colorado and see me and another part of the country before going back home. Distance does something to me and I felt it as soon as he drove away. It was a heavy feeling on my chest and anything I told myself, it wouldn't go away. I kept thinking about what it would be like when he would arrive in two months to my home in Colorado Springs. I realized I had found a good one. He was truthful and sincere. He told me the truth instead of what I wanted to hear...and I could tell. He was guarded as much as I was and sensitive. He makes me laugh, all the time. He once told me, "If you want to see my book, ask me. I will open the pages and let you read them. If you don't ask me, I won't show you my pages. Its easy to let other people talk sometime." I told him, "I need to be more like you because I show my book to everyone regardless if they want to read my pages. I read them aloud so they can hear what adventures I have been on if they want to or not." It was a cute analogy since his first language wasn't English. I would not have thought of it.
        I have been away from him for two days and my chest still feels heavy. I haven't felt anything for anyone in almost a year. Now I sit and wonder about him everyday. The heaviness leaves only when we get to talk to each for the day. I hate myself for letting someone in again. It has awoken my heart and feelings which is a good thing but being away from him hurts. I can't imagine what it will feel like when he leaves the country. I keep telling myself to stop feeling but the heart wants what the heart wants. I know there will be a lesson in all of this. Maybe, he was sent to me to show me how I am really supposed to be treated. Because when I am with him, I feel like a princess.