Turning 30

About two and half years ago, I created a list 30 things to do before 30. There were things on there that were easy to cross off and not so easy to cross off. I made the list and worked really hard at completing the tasks on it. I was in Spain at the time, didnt have too many friends so I stayed home bound with my 60 year old roommate. I was content studying all the time and giving private english classes but missed being with friends. New year=new friends. Alot changes in one years time, or rather one summers time. I had spent the last 8 months with a group of friends in Fuengirola but after a birthday bash, someone thought it was funny to spike my drink and after standing up for myself about it, I was kicked out of the group. I was starting new this time, (Oct 2010). So I made the list. I had dropped it when I finally met Nandi, a California girl with attitude. She was too much for me at first but as time went by, we became really great friends. Nandi and I spent a lot of time together, and thought we would spend the next year together but I lost my job and felt I needed to go home which I did. One of the things on the list was passing my nursing boards and reuniting with Milda in San Diego. I knew it wouldnt happen unless I came home. I passed in December of this past year and before I knew it, my birthday was coming up. I had forgotten about the list.

I got really sick before my birthday so I didnt want to get a tatoo, which was at the top of my list, until I was better. I planned a birthday trip to Rome and Venice, Italy in September and now I needed to really get my game face on about studying Italian. I planned a birthday party here in Dayton, Ohio for myself and invited friends and family. A few members of my family showed up with a lot of my friends. It surprised me to see so many people show up. No one had contacted me that much during the whole time I was here. Since I got home, I tried reconnecting with people but it was hard since I worked on night shift. No one called...My boyfriend of almost a year broke things off in February and I was left to deal with lonliness birds in my heart. An american boy came into the picture and kept me company until now. He and I spend alot of time together and my lonliness birds slowly flew away. Having one friend kept me sane. I just didnt understand why it was so hard making friends or catching up with the old ones. I had gone away for over 4 years. Things change, people move on and dont really want to reconnect.

Turning 30 was hard for me. I thought I was old, a year out of the 20s, a heaviness of feeling like I should be married or having kids at this time overwhelmed me. The knowledge of not finishing my 30 list made me upset with myself. Another great friend of mine from New York decided to come for my birthday. We met in Spain, Christina I called her although her name was Christine. Corey was also an awesome friend who influenced me positivily. Corey, Christine and I hung out every month when I went to Malaga. We all had spanish boyfriends and hung out every month with each other, a dinner, salsa dancing, bar hoping, and hanging out. It was the highlight of every month. I felt complete. I had two great friends and also my boyfriend. We had rooftop parties with wine. It was so classy, I felt like I was in a fairytale. Of course things change.

Christine came for my birthday and chased my 29 blues away. Twenty nine was a really hard year for me. I was seperated from the culture I fell in love with, I was dealing with my boyfriend breaking my heart and changing my views of love and the american boy who came into my life for a short time to heal my wounds from my spanish love who hurt me in the meantime without meaning to. On the upside, I passed my nursing boards this year but the first year of nursing really made me crazy. It was frustrating and hard, like any job. I had been away from nursing for four years so for me, it was even harder. I was ready to kiss 29 by. Christine helped me change my attitude and look at life differently.

Emotions running wild

I hate that I am so emotional, it breaks me and brings me to my knees. Emotion stops me in my tracks and turns me around completely. Emotion makes me look weak!!!
That is only the half of it though. Emotion makes me stronger after I might look weak. Emotion brings me to my knees and also helps me stand stronger and taller than I have before. It might have brought me to look weak but it gives me the encouragement to get back in the game and fight stronger and harder till the job gets done. It might bring tears and sorrow but there is a fire spitting rainbow after the rain stops falling. I stand up, dust myself off and find pleasure and glory at the end of the day.
The most emotional thing I have done in my life was run a marathon, in a country where my ancestors came from...It was also the hardest thing I have done and now in a crazy world, I have been contemplating doing it again. I was lost and down...running made me whole again. I am thinking of doing it but living and working on night shift as a nurse makes it kind of crazy thinking I can do this. I wanted to wait for good weather but it never came. Here it is, cinco de mayo and its still rainy and gross outside. Can I find a gym that will let me run in the middle of the night? Will I be able to train inside on a treadmill after completing all my training outside alongside the Mediterranean sea? I was so inspired to run when I was in Europe...to live outside of the apartment, to see and talk with friends at least three times a week. It doesn't happen here. I spend 3 days a week 12 hours each working as a nurse. I usually will have one crazy day and two not so crazy days...last week was tough. I spent three days working equally crazy with different scenarios and different problems. It was quite challenging. I hope to regain some sleep to rejuvenate myself and my attitude. Living on night shift outside of work has made me so lazy. I dont see too many people and cant seem to motivate myself to do anything. Even write. I dont know what to write about however and I know that there arent too many people reading this. Even my sisters have told me that they are too busy and not interested in reading my blogs. ok. So then, I guess I am writing to my dear sweet friend Christine, possible Nandi, Corey and Staci...If you do read a blog...please make a comment! I always enjoy them.

Nursing

Nursing really does has its perks. I feel like Im making a difference everyday. I find it challenging and sometimes its really stressful but its rewarding. I have made some good friends and I have worked for this for a long time. I feel its overwhelming but what isnt? Every job is hard at first and I have to remember that. Something happened the other day that makes me re-think things but all in all, nursing is what I wanted and worked for and Im here to stay. Hopefully, I ll take the difficult things that come at me and turn things around and learn from them. Any advice for a new nurse? Bring it on!

Getting back to before

It was four years ago that I lived in Ohio so to say its easy to get back to my life that I had here before...I can't. Its hard. Alot has happened to me since August and it has taken me this long to write. I couldnt quite adjust to being back home. I longed for the conversations that my Tomas and I would have. I worked really hard to study for my nursing exam, although I kept putting it off. I found a job through a friend and started to work as a nurses aid. I studied, worked on nights, talked to Tomas and lived off of a credit card. I think at one time, I had 15 dollars in my account. I didnt feel sorry for myself until my friends started to...I was working to pay off my debt of being back home and was still living with my parents in December. In one swoosh of a moment, EVERYTHING CHANGED. I took my test in December right before Tomas came to visit. I passed. It took me 6 years of nursing school and it had been four years since I graduated so I knew I was in the long hall of challenges. This is what I always wanted. I did it. Tomas came and things were different. The feelings had changed a bit. The passion from our relationship had died out. It didnt matter though. To me, my life plan was in action, I was going to pass my test, work as a nurse for a year and transfer to Spain. I would get married after a bit and have three kids who would grow up bilingual. Everything was on track. I introduced Tomas to my family and being so poor, things were a bit complicated. I knew I had a job on my unit and I would soon be making money but I couldnt go out and spend money I didnt have. Its the way I have always been. I wasnt able to show Tomas that much of Ohio in cold January especially without money but I had planned a fun day of Cosi in Columbus and a romantic dinner at The Green but as it was approaching, things spun out of my control. Will, a friend of mine from Spain, came up to see Tomas and we celebrated by mexican food, a movie, ice skating followed later by pizza and beer. It sent me the worst pain of my life and a trip to the hospital. Gall bladder emergency surgery. I tried to get out of it but it had to happen and caused me to be in bed for the last three days with Tomas. A short non emotional goodbye was all I could do and my heart was forever torn. All the plans I had put together gone. No romantic dinner, no talk that we really needed to have. Things changed. I started orientation and was very stressed everyday for four weeks. In the middle of that time, Tomas and I were talking and he told me he wanted to marry me. I knew what I wanted and was on my way to getting them. Things were on track. We were talking about having kids even. I did bring up some issues we had which I wanted to talk about before he left but I never got the chance, and everything changed. All of a sudden, Tomas couldnt take the distance anymore. I worked three in a row and on my time off, never heard from him. As I was about to go into work for another three in a row, Tomas broke up with me in ten minutes. I didnt even have time to react. I had to go to work and be professional. I was a nurse now and I had responsibilities. I told him I would write him and tell him what I was feeling but I really couldnt. I was so upset, I couldnt allow myself to grieve. Then it hit me. The last week of orientation in which I was supposed to get off of orientation, I did really bad. I couldnt get things together, I couldnt keep up. I was put on discipline and given one more week to get ready. Tomas called. I cried a brief time at this moment and told him the best way I knew how in spanish how I felt. Was it closure? Heck no. I told him I couldnt write him, or hear from him or think about him because it hurt too much. Pictures of us had to come down, off facebook, out of my room, out of my car, everywhere. I removed him from me as best as I could. I tried to go out but being on night shift, I didnt see much of anyone but my roommate, Katie. I started to read The Alchemist which helped me see things differently. I had to stop thinking of how life was going to be like in Spain and realize I was going to be in Ohio for longer than I thought. I had to have a goal...so I always wanted to travel to a spanish speaking country and become a nurse. Check and check. So what now? Italy...yes, I have wanted to go see Italy for a while so I posted on facebook about it and soon found a travel companion or two. Then I thought about Malaga, my home...being in Europe and so close to home without going...I had to go. So now I am planning a trip to Italy and Spain in September and trying to pay off my debt before I go. It makes me excited to know I will return to Spain, although everything will be different. Maybe it will be the closure I need, maybe saying goodbye to Spain all over again will help me accept living in Ohio. There isnt anything wrong with Ohio, I just dont like the cold and would like to live somewhere else. I have wanted to write so bad but didnt feel I had anything to write. I only have four people that read this anyway. It still hurts, Tomas. My heart aches everyday for the life I thought I would lead. One day you think you would be getting married soon, be back in Spain soon, traveling to other countries with a hop, skip and a jump. Things change and in just a moments time. It hurts. Life will get better and hopefully my heart will let me talk to him in the future. I bargain with my heart so much about this. I just want to call him or write him just once...begging and pleading with my heart. It is when I have a few drinks in me that I almost win. My heart always wins though. No writing, talking, calling, nothing. Not until you get on your feet. I wonder when it will be. Its only been a month and a half so I know I need more time. Trying to plan for Italy, going to learn a bit of italian and try to stay busy...and focus on work. Ive decided to work three nights in a row so I can try to take short trips to visit family on my off time. Im in Columbus now with my cousins, Andy and Pat. It helps being away from home. Makes me feel like Ohio is temporary. It could be afterall. Thats it for now, in a nutshell. More to come...life in Ohio!