Getting back to before

It was four years ago that I lived in Ohio so to say its easy to get back to my life that I had here before...I can't. Its hard. Alot has happened to me since August and it has taken me this long to write. I couldnt quite adjust to being back home. I longed for the conversations that my Tomas and I would have. I worked really hard to study for my nursing exam, although I kept putting it off. I found a job through a friend and started to work as a nurses aid. I studied, worked on nights, talked to Tomas and lived off of a credit card. I think at one time, I had 15 dollars in my account. I didnt feel sorry for myself until my friends started to...I was working to pay off my debt of being back home and was still living with my parents in December. In one swoosh of a moment, EVERYTHING CHANGED. I took my test in December right before Tomas came to visit. I passed. It took me 6 years of nursing school and it had been four years since I graduated so I knew I was in the long hall of challenges. This is what I always wanted. I did it. Tomas came and things were different. The feelings had changed a bit. The passion from our relationship had died out. It didnt matter though. To me, my life plan was in action, I was going to pass my test, work as a nurse for a year and transfer to Spain. I would get married after a bit and have three kids who would grow up bilingual. Everything was on track. I introduced Tomas to my family and being so poor, things were a bit complicated. I knew I had a job on my unit and I would soon be making money but I couldnt go out and spend money I didnt have. Its the way I have always been. I wasnt able to show Tomas that much of Ohio in cold January especially without money but I had planned a fun day of Cosi in Columbus and a romantic dinner at The Green but as it was approaching, things spun out of my control. Will, a friend of mine from Spain, came up to see Tomas and we celebrated by mexican food, a movie, ice skating followed later by pizza and beer. It sent me the worst pain of my life and a trip to the hospital. Gall bladder emergency surgery. I tried to get out of it but it had to happen and caused me to be in bed for the last three days with Tomas. A short non emotional goodbye was all I could do and my heart was forever torn. All the plans I had put together gone. No romantic dinner, no talk that we really needed to have. Things changed. I started orientation and was very stressed everyday for four weeks. In the middle of that time, Tomas and I were talking and he told me he wanted to marry me. I knew what I wanted and was on my way to getting them. Things were on track. We were talking about having kids even. I did bring up some issues we had which I wanted to talk about before he left but I never got the chance, and everything changed. All of a sudden, Tomas couldnt take the distance anymore. I worked three in a row and on my time off, never heard from him. As I was about to go into work for another three in a row, Tomas broke up with me in ten minutes. I didnt even have time to react. I had to go to work and be professional. I was a nurse now and I had responsibilities. I told him I would write him and tell him what I was feeling but I really couldnt. I was so upset, I couldnt allow myself to grieve. Then it hit me. The last week of orientation in which I was supposed to get off of orientation, I did really bad. I couldnt get things together, I couldnt keep up. I was put on discipline and given one more week to get ready. Tomas called. I cried a brief time at this moment and told him the best way I knew how in spanish how I felt. Was it closure? Heck no. I told him I couldnt write him, or hear from him or think about him because it hurt too much. Pictures of us had to come down, off facebook, out of my room, out of my car, everywhere. I removed him from me as best as I could. I tried to go out but being on night shift, I didnt see much of anyone but my roommate, Katie. I started to read The Alchemist which helped me see things differently. I had to stop thinking of how life was going to be like in Spain and realize I was going to be in Ohio for longer than I thought. I had to have a goal...so I always wanted to travel to a spanish speaking country and become a nurse. Check and check. So what now? Italy...yes, I have wanted to go see Italy for a while so I posted on facebook about it and soon found a travel companion or two. Then I thought about Malaga, my home...being in Europe and so close to home without going...I had to go. So now I am planning a trip to Italy and Spain in September and trying to pay off my debt before I go. It makes me excited to know I will return to Spain, although everything will be different. Maybe it will be the closure I need, maybe saying goodbye to Spain all over again will help me accept living in Ohio. There isnt anything wrong with Ohio, I just dont like the cold and would like to live somewhere else. I have wanted to write so bad but didnt feel I had anything to write. I only have four people that read this anyway. It still hurts, Tomas. My heart aches everyday for the life I thought I would lead. One day you think you would be getting married soon, be back in Spain soon, traveling to other countries with a hop, skip and a jump. Things change and in just a moments time. It hurts. Life will get better and hopefully my heart will let me talk to him in the future. I bargain with my heart so much about this. I just want to call him or write him just once...begging and pleading with my heart. It is when I have a few drinks in me that I almost win. My heart always wins though. No writing, talking, calling, nothing. Not until you get on your feet. I wonder when it will be. Its only been a month and a half so I know I need more time. Trying to plan for Italy, going to learn a bit of italian and try to stay busy...and focus on work. Ive decided to work three nights in a row so I can try to take short trips to visit family on my off time. Im in Columbus now with my cousins, Andy and Pat. It helps being away from home. Makes me feel like Ohio is temporary. It could be afterall. Thats it for now, in a nutshell. More to come...life in Ohio!